The Reading
1 Peter 1. 3 - 9
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who are being protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, even if now for a little while you have had to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith—being more precious than gold that, though perishable, is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Although you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, for you are receiving the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. http://nrsvbibles.org
The Sermon
Catherine, Reader at St Mary's.
Until recently, I did not feel qualified to speak at this particular service. Until recently I had experienced
no major bereavements myself. What could I possibly offer to anyone who had suffered great loss? In
the past 5 years all that has changed. This time last year, we finally packed the car with the last of my
parents’ things, handed over the keys to the estate agent and said goodbye to the house that had been my
parents’ home since 2006. It was 2 years since my dad had died, my mum having died 20 months earlier.
Now I know what it is like to arrange a funeral. To fill in endless paperwork for banks, insurance and
utility companies. What it is like to spend hours on hold wondering how supportive this particular
organisation’s bereavement team will be. To go through your loved one’s private financial affairs with a
toothcomb for HMRC. What it is like to see your loved one’s home reduced gradually to a shell as you
discard or find homes for their possessions. To have to do all this, whilst still maintaining the ordinary
tasks of your own daily life. And what it is like to do all this with your loved one gone.
My experience of bereavement may not match yours. I can only speak from the experience of a middle-
aged daughter who has said goodbye to much loved parents. And even so, my dad’s death was a very
different kind of bereavement to my mum’s. For they were unique individuals, as are you and I. And as
every relationship between two people is different, so every bereavement will necessarily also be
different. So please take, or leave what I have to say, as you find helpful.
What have I learnt about bereavement so far?
Firstly, there is so much to do. Many, many decisions to be made. Life suddenly gets very busy,
with little time for anything else, including for grieving. It is exhausting. You often feel
completely overwhelmed. At times like this do be kind to yourself. It’s fine to drop the least
important commitments, to say “no” to things, to take a step back from others. Pace yourself if
you can. Take as long as you need.
You learn a lot more about your loved one than you knew before. What was private is now known
to you – for better or worse. Wading through their stuff can be like doing an archaeological dig,
with fascinating insights into random episodes in their life. As the condolence cards come in, you
learn other things from people who knew them in a different context to you. It helps to give a
fuller picture of who your loved one was. Celebrate this.
There will be sadness and regret. Times when you wish you’d said or done more, or less, or just
differently. Times when you have questions about an event, a person or a thing that only they
knew. Times when you want to thank them for something you’ve only just discovered. Times
happening now that your loved one is no longer around to share. Acknowledge the feelings that
arise from all this. Share them with a trusted friend, or simply offer them up to God.
You carry your loved ones within you. You carry them whenever you continue some of their
traditions, enjoy the things they used to enjoy, when you use the items of theirs that you kept. You
carry them when you are faced with a particular situation or problem and think back to what they
might have said or done when faced with something similar. For while you remember them, they
are never really gone from your life.
Bereavement is ongoing, but changes over time. I do not know how my own loss will look ten
years further down the line. But I think it profoundly changes who you are, rewires your brain as
you absorb and accommodate the loss. I have found it to be a time of personal reflection and
change. I find now that I reflect much more on my own mortality – there is more urgency to the
fact that life is finite. I reflect much more on the awesome mystery of life itself – what is this
thing that is life, and why? What is important in life becomes more central, more refined, more
pared down to the essentials. And it’s ultimately part of the journey towards letting go ourselves.
It is, to paraphrase part of this evening’s Bible reading, part of the journey of living hope through
the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead towards the inheritance that is imperishable,
undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for us.
The Prayers
God our Father, hear us when we pray to you in faith.
We give you thanks for the lives of those who we have loved and lost.
For all that we were to each other and all that we shared together.
Hear us, risen Lord,
our resurrection and our life.
Comfort us in our times of grief and help us to help each other in our sadness.
Hear us, risen Lord,
our resurrection and our life.
Guide and uphold us through the loneliness and darkness of loss, especially when it feels like our pain will never come to an end.
Hear us, risen Lord,
our resurrection and our life.
But when the time is right, Lord give us the courage to live again, for our own sake and for those who love and need us, secure in the knowledge that those we have lost, rest in peace with you.
Hear us, risen Lord,
our resurrection and our life.
May God in his infinite love and mercy bring the whole Church,
Living and departed in the Lord Jesus, to a joyful resurrection and the fulfilment of his eternal kingdom.
Amen.